Sacrifice of our Self

The last two years of my life have been a roller coaster to say the least. They have been filled with some of the greatest joys and sorrows that I have faced in my life. There have been many times of rejoicing and praise, and many others of fear and sorrow. My love for my husband grew so great during this time, and we have shared two of the most special moments in our relationship when Jason asked for my hand in marriage and in our union on our wedding day. I shared many moments with some of my best friends and roommates in college that I will forever treasure. I was able to experience the love of my God, my Bridegroom and have a glimpse of the glory to come as I prepared for our wedding day and relished every second of it as the bride of Christ and of my Bridegroom, Jason, on June 23, 2007...

I also faced one of the biggest internal challenges that I have ever faced. In November of 2007 I was in a car accident with my cousin and best friend on our way home for Thanksgiving. I won't go into great detail about the accident, but in short, due we think to high wind currents, I lost control of the car while passing an eighteen wheeler. My car swerved back and forth several times, then turned to face oncoming traffic, and rolled 3/4 roll into the median of the side road. I was not injured other than bumps and bruises. My cousin however was badly injured on both her left and right legs. They care flighted her to Fort Worth, and she is still now recovering from this accident and trying to move on with her life. That first few days were very touch and go, and I can't describe the shock, horror, and fear that I felt. God provided for my family and Amanda in so many ways answering prayers of many people around us, who I am eternally grateful for.

To say Mandy and I are close would be the understatement of the century. From the time we were babies our parents said we shared every toy, every experience, and were two peas in a pod. I cannot describe my relationship with Mandy other than to say that we have been "sisters" for life, and I do not know of another playmate, friend, or confidant, who I have had the privilege to share my heart with throughout life. This whole thing hit me hard and I struggled with it, and continue to. I did not understand why this happened to us and to her.

I have never in my life had a time when I was so angry and frustrated with God and at the same time, so thankful and in awe of the miracles he was continually giving and providing. I had to go back to Lubbock to finish school, and it was the hardest thing in the world to me to be that far away, from my family and Mandy during this time.

Since then, I have watched my best friend struggle with and overcome insurmountable odds, and I know the only way she is getting through this is with the healing hand of God. It has been and will continue to be a hard journey physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I do not know anyone stronger or braver than her in facing these odds and living what she has been through.

I have and still struggle with many internal battles...Questioning how this could happen, why it would happen, what good could possibly come of this...and on, and on, and on. Satan has been battling for my peace and trust during this time. I still have fear when driving, I have fear when I hear ambulances and helicopters that my loved ones are safe. I have anxiety and worry over Mandy's healing process and wish more than anything that I could do something to help or change things for her.

My dad has been and continues to be a sounding board and rock in this time. He shared with me a verse early on that I took to heart and has carried me through many of the hardest moments.

Philippians 4:6-7.
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

We've heard this a lot in our lives but to truly practice it can be a challenge. The revelation has come in the second part of the verse..."the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding".....

We know the verse "All things work together for the good of the kingdom of God" but I couldn't possibly see how this could be good, and to be honest I don't know that I ever will. I have come to terms with the fact that even one day when I am in Heaven God may not answer this question...But He doesn't have to...He is God, He is I AM. I don't have to understand, and I may not ever be warranted to by His understanding. But I must trust Him...

Which leads me to my true struggle since the accident. We all want to trust God that He will take care of us and provide for us and protect us. But I have been run over with the realization that he may provide, care for, and protect me and my friends and family, in a way that I don't necessarily like, agree with, or desire. Though we believe in Him and trust Him, we live in a fallen world and at times He allows things to happen to us that are scary, dangerous, and inspire fear and deep pain.

And the hardest thing I have found is to continue to rejoice in Him during these times. I struggled with pushing Him away in my personal intimate relationship with Him, giving reasons such as time, etc. I have in a sense afraid to put my whole trust in his provision and protection of me.

In the last few weeks and month I have had worship experiences , experiences while driving, watching TV, and during other random times and when God has spoken to me calling me to draw back to Him. I have cherished these moments and my heart is opening to his calling. I miss the intimacy that I desired each day in a continual "conversation" that I would hear and speak to him in my past.

I say all this, because I just finished listening to some one speak of times of testing and suffering in our lives. It is during these times that God becomes real to us in a way that we never imagined. We can choose to run or we can choose to stand with the strength of God. The person I was listening to spoke of Genesis 22. I have heard this story many times, but recent events brought greater light to it. I have known two people whom I went to Tech with in Phi Lamb that have had their families lose precious young baby girls in a sudden short time. I think of my "niece" Katy, who is really my cousin's daughter, and I cannot imagine how I would feel if our family lost her. I cannot imagine more the pain and sorrow that the parents of these children feel. But what I cannot even begin to fathom, is the trust that Abraham placed in God in preparing to give his son up to God. I am in awe of his Trust for God's provision, and wonder if I was faced with the same, would I be able to do it? But the truth is that we are all in God's hands anyways. Our children are ours on loan from God, and we must remember we all all first and foremost His children.

I want that trust. I want that intimacy. I want God's perfect peace that surpasses all understanding of this crazy fallen world. But to have this I must sacrifice my self, my desires and my beliefs for how my life should be, because we really become disappointed and frustrated with God's plan for our life, when it does not fit with ours. If however, we seek God's plan and purpose first, we can build that intimate relationship that establishes that trust and rest in His peace.

In this time that I was listening to some one speak, they closed with a prayer and a reminder that spoke true to my healing heart...

God is the author and perfecter of our faith (Hebrews 12:2)...and we can be confident of this that He who began a good work in us will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus (Philippians 1:6)

What hope there is in these verses and our Lord Jesus Christ!